Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I wrote this article a year or so ago for the joke section in the campus newspaper.

News Flash: President Bro-bama Solves Global Warming
In a startling reversal, President Bro-bama announced today that global warming is "not and big deal and basically whatever." This came as a surprise to the many environmental groups who had supported Bro-bama throughout his campaign.They were utterly perplexed as to how he could have come to such a conclusion, until he issued his statement. In an arresting and inspiring monologue, he announced that a crack team of NASA, NOAA, and frat stars had come up with a response to global warming that would completely neutralize any warming. Urging America to "come together" in these tough times, in the bro-est fashion he announced that "America must chill out." Explaining the science behind the solution, he noted that parts of the world might be getting warmer, but that this could easily be reversed if people chilled harder. Our collective chillness would literally cool the earth's surface, equaling the warming potential of the CO2-saturated atmosphere. While he recognized that chilling could be difficult for many, including FIJIs, chilling was in America's national heritage. "Ben Franklin knew how to chill. Do you know how many French biddies he was bedding while he was supposed to be ambassador to France?" Obama noted. "And you might think the Beatles invented chilling, that's it's an English thing. Nope. Guess who introduced the Beatles to ganj? Bob Dylan. From Minnesota." As a gesture of the government's support for chilling, Bro-bama announced an emergency resolution to distribute more than four billion Natty Lights throughout America. "If you give a fuck" about the environment, Obama casually spoke towards the rousing finale of his speech, "then don't give a fuck." He then proceeded to invite his usual political opponent, Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio), to light a cross-joint with him, made of the finest California-grown marijuana. Speaker Boehner was understandably perplexed about the new development. "I am glad that the President has decided to chill out, but this has been the Republican position for years," Boehner said. "I mean, come on. We're all about being l'aissez faire. You know what that means? When the government doesn't do ANYTHING! How can you get more chill than that?"

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